In the Middle of a Long Hiatus

I shall make this my art blog though I do not yet know exactly what that means. I consider myself a video artist and electronic musician but have not made anything recently. I consider¬† myself on a hiatus right now while I work on my research on being but, I wonder, is that project too neurotic and ridiculous. Should I give it up and make something sooner before, perhaps, it is too late? I do not know yet. I do feel urges to do it sometimes, strikes of inspiration and the occasional idea. It seems that right now my appearance to many is as something other than an artist. Perhaps they are right but I hope not. It is true that much of the work I have produced up till now (with the exclusion of music) has been crap. It’s been worthless. Perhaps a somewhat interesting idea but the execution has not worked. I nevertheless submitted my final project to a few film festivals to see if I get lucky but I expect nothing and will be sure of its denial once February is over. This is my, perhaps, stereotypically state: frustrated and not respected.

My goal is not to produce random pieces of crap.

I felt like while I was in school I would hobble together something from the limited technical instruction given with the incomplete theoretical prompts and, of course, all these prompts to produce never produced anything much of value in me, at least when it came to video or film. They were useful exercises in skills but ultimately of no interest except for a meaningless laugh. I am not sure how to structure my engagement right now. My other project is structured as a building up of my being from the ground up so that I can execute my artistic praxis better in the future. At the same time I am worried that all this time off will soften me so I am not sure. What I do know is that I need to engage in a process of determining what my meaning is as an artist. I have identified certain themes of interest in video and music but I cannot allow the disembodied idea dominate either or I shall produce nothing but structural nonsense of interest to one except myself.

The question is not simply one of making but of context. In fact, what is the point of video production when all that is consumed is broadcast television, amateur youtube videos, and the film industry. What room is there left for alternate practices? The gallery scene seems insufficient entirely. In fact, the entire project of attempting to produce for oneself notoriety seems futile at this point so I shall not engage in it. No, I think I understand why I must make music and why I must make videos and it is for no better reason than a compulsion to understand and experiment. It is the same compulsion that is driving my neurotic researching of all the basics of living and which drives my desire to read more and more theory when I get to it. My entire life is nothing if not a collection of compulsions that I have trouble controlling. The same repetition with a different object has happened whether that object is a person, a philosophy, a disease, or what have you. Compulsions accumulate and disperse once their sustainability is impossible only to perhaps build up again. Psychic pressure builds up so perhaps these expressions, being expressions, are simply necessary releases from me. After all, I have felt somewhat crushed into myself lately and deprived from my lack of creation and engagement with art. Maybe I need to accommodate a modest return to my production but the thing is that I feel blind, naked, and confused about the idea of doing just like that.

Perhaps this is but another reflection of my compulsions. I am in the doldrums of living right now for I do not want to do anything until I feel I have researched it, and one thing at a time only. Consequently I feel like it is better if I make nothing until I have researched the theory I think relevant to the topic at hand. I want to return to film and video theory and to performance theory before attempting to contrive myself as an artist in those areas but perhaps this is mistaken. I’m beginning to believe it is but it is impossible to make enough time for everything, or so it seems.

For now maybe I’ll reserve a day for artistic practice of the musical sort. Perhaps. I shall battery up my toy instruments and set up my synths and begin. My problem is a sense of feeling overwhelmed with everything. I want to exist in a future where I have figured out all my problems and am satisfied and sustainably existing. Impossible fantasy. We shall see how close reality comes to this.

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